Here’s how to make sure your marriage can thrive despite all the difficulties it may encounter.
The vast majority of people enter into marriage with the intention that it will last a lifetime. However, according to Forbes Advisor, the rate of couples divorcing in the United States is 43% for first-time marriages. Subsequent marriages tend to fail at an even higher rate.
This number is obviously alarming, but it in part in may reflect some of the challenges that couples today face, often brought on by new technologies and a world that has grown “smaller” as a result, but also less stable.
Here are some of the stresses and strains couples are under, and some ways to overcome them.
1
Anxiety about global instability
Today we have access to the news 24/7. While this keeps us informed, it also allows us to feel greater anxiety over the state of our planet: From wars and conflicts to environmental issues, we can be left feeling constantly insecure and stressed. This has a direct impact on our mental health, which in turn can impact our relationships.
For example, if a spouse is feeling low or depressed, they might cut themselves off from normal activities, and this can add a greater burden on the other spouse, leading to added stress levels in the couple, according to a report by NIH.gov.
What can you do?
Although it’s important to be informed about what’s going on in the world, when times are a little bleak, you might encourage each other to switch off the news for a bit. You can also try to follow positive news stories that give you a boost, like GoodNewsMovement. Most importantly, go for walks and talk about things that have a positive impact on you as a couple.
2
Financial stresses
Money issues have long been a cause for arguments and stress in couples. It doesn’t help that the rise in the cost of living is putting an extra strain on our wallets, and therefore our marriages.
What can you do?
First, it’s vital that the subject of money is raised, and that couples know the family’s financial situation. It’s also important to create a family budget that is in line with the expectations of both spouses. If you’re not great at budgeting, there are useful tools online to help.
However, if you have significant financial issues, it might be tricky to deal with alone. Seek outside help to try and find solutions to your situation.
3
Changes in the workplace
One of the positives to come from COVID was the rise in people being able to work from home. For some couples this has proved beneficial in allowing them to be more flexible and relieving the stress of the daily commute. However, for some people it might prove annoying to have their spouse around them 24/7, and there may be fewer boundaries in your routines, meaning that work seeps into family life more.
What can you do?
If you want to keep working from home, it’s important to define a proper working day. You should also try, if possible, to set up distinct work areas where you’re not under each other’s feet. And tempting as it might be to just stay home for lunch, try meeting up with friends or colleagues so you can give your spouse a break and get out into the world.
4
Technology and smart phones
Smart phones are one of the biggest culprits in causing strains in marriages, and for a myriad of reasons! For one thing, they distract you from what needs to be done at home or with your family.
However, smartphones also help to make tasks more convenient and have proved to be timesavers. You can use your phone to shop, watch a movie, order a meal and even help create a prayer routine. It’s not really surprising that they’re permanently attached to our hands.
What can you do?
The easy thing to say is to switch off. However, everyone knows that this is hard to do. If you make a concerted effort to set aside hours where both spouses put their phones on silent, however, it’s a great start. Try putting your smartphones in a drawer for a few hours, and actually start talking to each to other. If that seems too long, then take baby steps and commit to smartphone-free mealtimes, for instance.
5
Social media
One of the biggest issues with social media is that it creates unrealistic expectations. If you scroll through your feed you’ll see endless posts of seemingly perfect couples with impeccable homes, clean and happy children, ideal bodies, lovingly made meals that are presented exquisitely, and jobs that allow them to take endless holidays on yachts in faraway places.
While most of us know this is unrealistic, it still creates a feeling that there’s something better out there for us. Sadly, the grass is rarely greener on the other side of the fence, and the reality is we need to cherish what we have.
What can you do?
The obvious thing is to ditch social media all together. Failing that, try to be more discerning with who you follow. Look at people who have a genuinely positive impact on your lives for what they do and not how they appear.
6
Trust issues
While social media creates unrealistic expectations, it can also foster distrust in couples. People can reconnect with past loves, or connect with complete strangers that can lead them down a very treacherous path. If your spouse is busier interacting online with “friends” than with you then this is only going to cause jealousy and suspicion. In fact, Facebook alone has been the cause of certain divorces in recent years, according to family lawyers.
What can you do?
While some couples share accounts in order to create a transparent practice in social media usage, others happily share what they do online with their spouse. While this is certainly beneficial, some couples crave some privacy in their marriage, and marriage should be built on trust.
In this case you have to try and reassure your spouse by connecting with them online, not reconnecting with past loves, and sticking to using social media as a positive tool for communication, avoiding accounts that can lead to temptation.
7
Decline in communication
You know those smartphones? Well, they’re causing havoc in so many ways. As we are so attentive to our screens, the art of conversation seems to be lost. You’ll no doubt have noticed when you’re out and about that there are a number of couples who go to restaurants and hardly address a word to each other, preferring to glance at their phones.
If people forget how to communicate, the couple will certainly be in danger. The result could be a rise in misunderstandings.
What can you do?
Again, it’s time to put the phones away. Try and designate at least one night of the week where phones are abandoned. Avoid taking phones into the bedroom at all costs, or if you do, keep them in a drawer, and make a concerted effort to spend time each day sharing each other’s news.
8
The “me” not “we” phenomenon
Wherever you look on social media you’ll see endless posts of people talking about wanting/needing “me time.” There seems to be a rise in girls/boys nights out, or trips abroad, leaving the spouse at home.
While it’s important to get a breather, it’s also vital that “me time” not be to the detriment of the couple. This is especially the case when we look at how much attention we pay to personal growth. Again, as individuals we should all seek to constantly grow and improve ourselves, but the real challenge is to also make sure your spouse is part of that development.
What can you do?
While taking time out is important, it’s also crucial to acknowledge your spouse and to spend time with them. If you have family who can help out, try to take some time together in the year where you can focus on yourselves as a couple. A retreat, for instance, might prove to be a real source of inspiration for many couples.
9
Lack of support system
More and more couples are moving away from their hometowns. That means they are also moving away from relatives who could help with the children, lend a hand with repairs, or just offer advice and a friendly cup of tea when things are hard.
What can you do?
Well, thanks to our smartphones we do have access to our loved ones at the click of a button. It’s important to reach out to loved ones on a regular basis, and you could even set up regular times to chat. You can also make sure you become an active member of your parish, and you’ll soon find not just friends with the same values, but no doubt some willing babysitters.
10
Endless pressure on parents
Raising kids today is a far cry from how our parents or grandparents raised us. There’s an endless amount of pressure to be the perfect parent. Schools seem to provide occasions where your child needs to come to class with something extra. There are also further opportunities available to your children that can lead you feeling submerged financially, and in terms of time.
And just to add to the mix, you’ll also be anxious to make sure your kids stay off social media and don’t text and drive. It’s understandable how this can put a strain on any couple.
What can you do?
First. you need to be okay with knowing you can’t do everything for your child. You can only do your best. Learn what battles are worth fighting, don’t look for perfection, and don’t feel inadequate compared to all you see on social media. At the end of the day your kids want parents who are present and who don’t see parenthood as a burden. Switch off, learn to say no, and embrace the joy/chaos of family life together — and don’t forget to ask for help when things get tough.
Papal advice
In the past popes have reiterated the importance of marriage, not just for the couple and their families, but for the Church and the larger community. As Pope Francis shared, marriage is a gift from God, stating:
Marriage is always a gift! Conjugal fidelity rests on divine fidelity; conjugal fruitfulness rests on divine fruitfulness.”
He also reminds us that:
Marital love is inseparable from marriage itself, in which fragile and limited human love meets divine love, which is always faithful and merciful.”
The pontiff also shared that when times are tough in a marriage, couples should lean on the Holy Spirit to avoid destroying the union
